We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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