I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
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Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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