what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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