Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
