I'm so fucking centered right now
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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