I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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