I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
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why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
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I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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