is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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