bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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