if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
