sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
