is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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