Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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