did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
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Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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