god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I looked at my own cervix.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
