Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
