just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
