Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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