so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
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It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
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You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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