i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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