ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
