No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
