Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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