the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
where am i from again
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Randomize
