i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
