Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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