Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
