Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
