alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
