I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
