You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
