I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
