That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
