Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
