One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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