new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
