Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
