And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Blood and glitter go together right?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
