She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
