i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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