when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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