Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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