I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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