just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
