Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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