I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
