and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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