WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
