You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
