Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
