Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just googled if crying burns calories
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
