Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
