Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
