i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
