We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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