he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Pooping to opera.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
