First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
