Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
